Sublime

were to change some of his more limiting behaviors and his beliefs, he would become more fully the person

He began confronting his feelings of inadequacy, family messages about playing it safe, and distorted beliefs about his qualifications as an engineer. He confronted his girlfriend (whom he was initially terrified of) about her lack of participation in household responsibilities.

She had chosen someone who resembled her father so she could resolve her childhood fear of being abused. She

both partners can hear each other’s attachment cry and respond with soothing care,

Once I saw the pattern, it became obvious how it worked: I would enjoy a period of relationship harmony, then stop the flow of connection by criticizing or starting an argument.

He thought he was in love with a person, when in fact he was in love with an image projected upon that person. Cheryl was not a real person with needs and desires of her own; she was a resource for the satisfaction of his unconscious childhood longings. He was in love with the idea of wish fulfillment and—like Narcissus—with a reflected part of him

They began to have new kinds of conversations and their narrow exchange of blame and silent distancing slowed down. Sharing their softer emotions, they started to see each other differently.

For the rest of the interview, specific questions were asked about a range of issues, including advice for choosing a mate; suggestions for how to deal with stressors that affect a couple; ideas to help a young couple considering splitting up; the role of intimacy in a relationship (and how it changes); and their core values and principles for marr