Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love

Suppose you wrote, “Paul should tell me that he loves me.” Your answer to “What do you think you would have?” might be that if Paul told you that he loves you, you would feel more secure.

This drive to emotionally attach — to find someone to whom we can turn and say “Hold me tight” — is wired into our genes and our bodies. It is as basic to life, health, and happiness as the drives for food, shelter, or sex. We need emotional attachments with a few irreplaceable others to be physically and mentally healthy — to survive.

we become so attuned and empathetic to our partner’s needs that we neglect our own, often out of fear that asking to have our needs met will lead to rejection or abandonment.

We get stuck in three basic patterns — I call them the Demon Dialogues — when we cannot connect safely with our partner. Find the Bad Guy is a dead-end pattern of mutual blame that effectively keeps a couple miles apart, blocking reengagement and the creation of a safe haven. Couples dance at arm’s length. That’s what Jim and Pam are doing when the