When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment

The MEM’s unconscious mind is enforcing his Disloyalty Bind. Making bad choices keeps him dependent on, and loyal to, his mother.

Every child needs a balance between bonding and separation in early childhood. The freedom to come and go is essential to healthy development, and it serves a critical element in being able to merge and separate from a lover in adulthood.

A controller is frightened by women. He needs to be in control, because he doesn’t want ever again to feel the engulfment, the fear, the panic, and the rage that he once felt as a boy being forced to be submissive to his mother. He’s likely to choose someone who is dependent on him, not just financially but emotionally.

A MEM’s inability to satisfy his mother makes him feel guilty. Whenever he has an encounter with his mother—either real or in his head, either as a child or later as an adult—his sense that he has inadequately served her is reinforced. Feeling excessive guilt and inadequacy is a key symptom of enmeshment.

If the MEM is still “just dating,” he can use the Relationship Plan (and his left brain) to help him maintain awareness as he dates.

You might be wondering, “Aren’t family members supposed to help family members?” Yes, but we have to consider the long-term patterns: If the need for help by siblings is a repetitive problem that they really should be solving for themselves, what kind of realistic support can or should a brother be offering?

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SAFE PEOPLE 1. Tend to express their feelings in moderate and reasonable ways. 2. Tend to be compassionate, understanding, and empathic when you share your feelings. 3. Show interest in you, what you are doing, and how you’re feeling. 4. Are willing to negotiate the relationship. They let you know if they feel there is a problem between the two of

The unconscious mind can be provoked in situations that are parallel to those in a person’s past. When this happens, it may generate some of the feelings and strong emotions from the past, such as fear and anger. It has the power to override the conscious mind when it perceives a crisis.