Slaying Your Fear: A guide for people who grapple with insecurity

What all these attachment wounds often turn into is a belief that mistreatment and misfortune is earned through behavior.

This happens when a person sets their measurement of success on getting a specific letter grade, or getting the highest grade in the class. The issue here is not just that they hoped to hit that mark, but that by reaching a successful outcome they believe they will become worthy of love.

When I feel stressed, what calms me down? When I think of having a perfect day, what activities do I see myself doing?

They spend the whole night trying to make up for the perceived disappointment. Or if their partner is worn out from a long day, the insecure partner takes it personally and feels like a failure.

Your returns to anxiety are actually opportunities for you to spread those new skills across your brain. When you feel yourself growing anxious, stop. Ask yourself what it is that’s making you feel that way. Congratulations, you found a new area to improve yourself!

“I feel lonely and need us to spend more time together” twists into a passive-aggressive version which retains no vulnerability but seeks to bludgeon loved ones into meeting the need. “Oh, you’re going out for lunch with your dad? You have time for everyone but me.”

Instead, this is the parent whose child comes home excited and happy because they got a B on a very hard test but the parent says, “Next time, get an A.” No praise, no acknowledgement, just a dismissal of effort and an expressed lack of worth.

One tendency of detached individuals is to assume they know another person’s thoughts, feelings, or intentions without asking.

There are many ways to get in touch with inner needs and discover what they are. One of the simplest ways is to identify negative emotions. These include anger, fear, sadness, and loneliness.