This means they approach every situation saying, “I will make sure each person gets the most out of this that they can, given the circumstances.”

His early teen years were relatively uneventful, though he stayed away from dating due to extreme shame when he thought about potential sexual interaction.

The person with healthy attachment does not worry they will be abandoned or forgotten because they know others will think of them even while they are apart and will make decisions with their wellbeing in mind. They do not worry when disagreements arise because they know they are connected at a deeper level. Mistakes aren’t feared because the attach

Just to put in perspective how impossible this is, the insecure person believes that they have to be born absolutely perfect and flawless in every skill, craft, profession, and field of knowledge.

To the detached persons reading this book: Recognize that you have been the terrible friend. Through your fear and obsessive love you have robbed your loved ones of the ability to feel trusted, to feel confident,

Investing in outcomes also means that failing to hit arbitrary measurements of success means the insecure person believes they are worth even less than before. Now they’re a loser, and everyone knows it. Amber got a C on the midterm.

Whenever Chris felt fear, he targeted that reaction for immediate action. He forced himself again and again to face whatever made him most afraid. As he systematically faced each fear and overcame them, Chris’ life was transformed from a wasteland of desperate avoidance to a fulfilling system of relationships and meaningful work which Chris himself

The worst fears of the detached person are true: People will abandon you for this openness. Yes, it’s true. People who’ve grown used to you never laying down boundaries will be angry when you suddenly tell them “No.”

Feel that surge of anxiety, that burning urgency? Good. You should feel pressure every single day to provide the best possible outcome for all of your descendants, because as we have established, your impact on the human lives around you is what really matters.