“you all seem to agree that it’s a good idea, whenever possible, to ignore the bickering and tell yourselves that the children are having an experience in handling their disagreements.”

the misguided need to bolster a child’s ego—even

Start by acknowledging the children’s anger towards each other. That alone should help calm them. 2. Listen to each child’s side with respect. 3. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem. 4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution. 5. Leave the room.

Those things we keep in a special place and you have to ask permission if you want to use them.

Let each child know what it is about him that his siblings like or admire.

Schedule family meetings.

You’ll never go wrong if you describe what you think the child might be feeling (‘You must be so proud of yourself!’) or what the child has accomplished (‘A lot of practice and perseverance went into winning that medal’).

It’s almost as if two forces are at work: one pushing them apart as they use the differences between them to define their unique, separate selves; the other pulling them together so they can come to know their unique brotherhood.

Oh, Ashley, I can see how very upset and angry you are.