Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

People-pleasers tend to be consumed with thoughts about what others are thinking and feeling. They want to appear as good, helpful, and inviting. For people-pleasers, setting a boundary is especially hard because their worst fear is being disliked, on top of the fear of being mean or rude. These fears are often significant enough that people-please

“When you don’t respect my boundaries, I feel ____.” Then restate

The Meaning of Boundaries They are a safeguard to overextending yourself. They are a self-care practice. They define roles in relationships. They communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships. They are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships. They are a way that you ask people to show up by upholding your needs.

You Feel Powerless (and Not Sure That Boundaries Will Help) You attend to every problem except the lack of healthy boundaries. You assume that even if you set one, people won’t listen. You think about the worst-case scenario and become consumed with thoughts about how establishing a boundary will never help. But

“When we have a disagreement, I’d like you to use a lower tone and take a break if you feel like you’re getting too heated in the argument. Also, I will mention when I’m becoming uncomfortable with your

Doing things that don’t make you happy Lacking balance (harmony) in your roles and

Whereas porous boundaries lead to unhealthy closeness (enmeshment), rigid ones are a self-protective mechanism meant to build

Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.

Being honest and up front (from the beginning, if possible) about what you expect and what you can offer will save you and your partner lots of heartache and arguments.