Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

The short-term discomfort of setting a boundary isn’t a reason to continue tolerating the longer-term discomfort of the issues that inevitably result. Unhealthy relationships are frustrating and damaging to our long-term well-being. Over time and with consistent practice, setting boundaries

9 Potential Reasons Why You Can’t Sufficiently Set a Boundary You fear being mean. You fear being rude. You’re a people-pleaser. You’re anxious about future interactions after a boundary has been set. You feel powerless (and not sure that boundaries will help). You get your value from helping others. You project your feelings about being told no on

Avoidance wasn’t an effective strategy for me, and it isn’t for you either. In the gentlest way possible, say “No, thanks, that doesn’t work for me; I’m not interested.” Or, “No, you can’t borrow my car.” Don’t waste your time and anyone else’s time hoping they will figure it out.

We Feel We Can’t Tolerate the Discomfort of Setting Boundaries Setting limits is uncomfortable, and that discomfort is enough for most of us to shy away from setting them. So we stay silent. We can’t tolerate the discomfort of having what we assume will be difficult conversations

In Chapter 1, we discussed signs that we might need to set a boundary. The most significant symptom is discomfort, which manifests itself as anger, resentment, frustration, and burnout. When we feel any of these, we likely need to set a boundary.

“You can disagree without being mean or rude.”

Victims of physical or emotional abuse find it hard to set boundaries with their abusers. When victims start to believe they are responsible for their abuse, or when they start to sympathize with the perpetrator, trauma bonding occurs. Trauma bonding limits our ability to set boundaries because we think we’re the cause of the perpetrator’s actions.

You Feel Powerless (and Not Sure That Boundaries Will Help) You attend to every problem except the lack of healthy boundaries. You assume that even if you set one, people won’t listen. You think about the worst-case scenario and become consumed with thoughts about how establishing a boundary will never help. But

People-pleasers tend to be consumed with thoughts about what others are thinking and feeling. They want to appear as good, helpful, and inviting. For people-pleasers, setting a boundary is especially hard because their worst fear is being disliked, on top of the fear of being mean or rude. These fears are often significant enough that people-please