This is largely because they’re not so afraid of failure. Among a group of undergraduates who had recently failed a midterm exam, for example, we found that self-compassionate students were more likely to reinterpret their failure as a growth opportunity rather than as a condemnation of self-worth. When you can trust that failure will be greeted wi

We don’t need others to respond with care and compassion in order to feel worthy of love. We don’t need to look outside ourselves for the acceptance and security we crave.

Our research indicates that self-compassionate people tend to be more authentic and autonomous in their lives, whereas those who lack self-compassion tend to be more conformist because they don’t want to risk social judgment or rejection.

There’s nothing wrong with occasionally indulging yourself, of course. Sometimes eating that piece of lemon cheesecake is actually a form of self-care. But overindulgence (i.e., eating the whole cheesecake) doesn’t feel good. It’s counterproductive because it prevents us from getting what we really want: to reach our highest potential.

When we consistently give ourselves nurturance and understanding, we also come to feel worthy of care and acceptance. When we give ourselves empathy and support, we learn to trust that help is always at hand. When we wrap ourselves in the warm embrace of self-kindness, we feel safe and secure.

If you can compassionately validate your own feelings, gently reminding yourself that it’s only natural for you to feel the way you do, you won’t have to speak louder and louder in order to feel heard. You can tell yourself what you really want to hear in the moment, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling hurt and frustrated right now, what can I do to help?

By sacrificing ourselves to the insatiable god of self-esteem, we are trading the ever-unfolding wonder and mystery of our lives for a sterile Polaroid snapshot. Instead of reveling in the richness and complexity of our experience—the joy and the pain, the love and anger, the passion, the triumphs and the tragedies—we try to capture and sum up our

Self-criticism serves as a submissive behavior because it allows us to abase ourselves before imaginary others who pronounce judgment over

Once we fall into the trap of believing that things are “supposed” to go well, we tend to think something has gone terribly amiss when they suddenly don’t.