It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

The emotions, traits, and behaviors we reject in our parents will likely live on in us.

is arrogant and inflated to think that we, as children, are better equipped to handle our parents’ suffering than they are.

In this innocent place, perhaps we imagined that we could alleviate their unhappiness by fixing or sharing it. If we too carried it, they wouldn’t have to carry it alone.

When we pit one parent against the other, we go against the source of our own existence, and unconsciously create a rift inside ourselves. We forget that half of us comes from our mother and half from our father.

In a blind attempt to ease his parents’ pain, he might try to carry his mother’s depression or his father’s grief as though he had some magical power to take it away. It would be almost as if he were saying, “Mom, Dad, if I carry the pain with you, or if I carry it for you, it will make you feel better.” His attempt, of course, wouldn’t succeed. It

Our complaints, symptoms, and problems can function as signposts pointing us in the direction of something that’s still unresolved. They can help bring something to light that we cannot see or connect us with something or someone we, or our family, have rejected. When we stop and explore them, what’s unresolved can rise to the surface, adding a new

When a child takes on a parent’s burden—whether consciously or unconsciously—he or she misses out on the experience of being given to, and can have difficulty receiving from relationships later in life. A child who takes care of a parent often forges a lifelong pattern of overextension and creates a blueprint for habitually feeling overwhelmed.

When we reject our parents, we can’t see the ways in which we’re similar. The behaviors become disowned in us and are often projected onto the people around us. Conversely, we can attract friends, romantic partners, or business associates who display the very behaviors we reject, allowing us myriad opportunities to recognize and heal the dynamic.

Our minds have a vast capacity for healing through images. Whether we’re imagining a scene of forgiveness, comfort, or letting go, or simply visualizing a loved one, images can profoundly settle into our bodies and sink into our minds. In my work, I’ve found that helping people to unearth the image that most resonates with them is the cornerstone o