I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships

This may seem fine and dandy on the surface, but it starts to become a problem when we feel bad about ourselves for feeling a “bad” emotion. If I shouldn’t get angry—but I do—then maybe I’m a bad or angry person. If I’m worried about something that I shouldn’t be worried about, then maybe I’m irrational or overdramatic. If I’m afraid of something t

Matching another person’s energy is a critical part of effective validation. If the person is excited, then smile, laugh, and share in the thrill. If the person is sad, then be respectful and speak in a softer, more compassionate manner.

refrain from offering advice unless she asked for it. What makes the situation extra tricky, though, is the fact that Amy wasn’t even aware that she was looking for validation. All she knew was that as her husband tried to reassure her or offer solutions, she became increasingly defensive.

More often than not, people who vent or complain already know how to handle their current situation—they’re just looking for someone to see and appreciate their struggle. While it seems almost counterintuitive, validation is often the quickest and easiest way to help people work through their concerns and get back on track.

validation (in the context of interpersonal skills, anyway) is the act of recognizing and affirming the validity or worth of a person’s emotions. Essentially, validation means saying to someone, “I hear you. I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way.”

jumping straight to advice or assurance remains the number one temptation for, well, just about everyone.

Invalidation (i.e. minimizing or dismissing another person’s feelings) is counter-productive. Research has shown that invalidating responses can make a difficult situation worse, even when offered with the best of intentions. Offering validation—before or instead of offering

Giving unsolicited advice or assurance—especially before you validate the other person’s emotions—trivializes their experience.

“I don’t blame you for being worried, especially if she told you she’d call an hour ago…” Notice how that response 1) identifies a specific emotion (worry), and 2) offers justification for feeling that emotion (it’s been over an hour since she expected to hear from her daughter). This response shows your friend that you not only hear how she’s feel