I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
Michael S. Sorensenamazon.com
I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
Invalidation (i.e. minimizing or dismissing another person’s feelings) is counter-productive. Research has shown that invalidating responses can make a difficult situation worse, even when offered with the best of intentions. Offering validation—before or instead of offering
Michael S. Sorensen • I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
“What if someone had done that to me? How would I feel?” “If I haven’t had a similar experience, have I ever felt a similar emotion?” “What if that were my [child/parent/job/dog/etc.]?”
Michael S. Sorensen • I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
Matching another person’s energy is a critical part of effective validation. If the person is excited, then smile, laugh, and share in the thrill. If the person is sad, then be respectful and speak in a softer, more compassionate manner.
Michael S. Sorensen • I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
Even if he was genuinely happy for you, the fact that he didn’t match your energy (in this case, your excitement) would lead you to believe that he doesn’t really care.
Michael S. Sorensen • I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
How will you know if you’re avoiding it? Simply look for invalidating statements. Are you telling yourself to “suck it up” or “stop worrying”? Are you trying to convince yourself that “it’s fine”? These
Michael S. Sorensen • I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
refrain from offering advice unless she asked for it. What makes the situation extra tricky, though, is the fact that Amy wasn’t even aware that she was looking for validation. All she knew was that as her husband tried to reassure her or offer solutions, she became increasingly defensive.
Michael S. Sorensen • I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
“I’m sorry, I’m right in the middle of a stressful project and would be distracted if we talked right now. Can I call you in an hour? I want to give you my full attention.”
Michael S. Sorensen • I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
If someone is distraught, angry, or concerned, validating them is your best chance at getting them to be receptive to feedback. The great thing is, you can validate someone even if you disagree with them. Learning to do so will give you a valuable tool for navigating confrontations, negotiations, disagreements, and the like. Misconception
Michael S. Sorensen • I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
jumping straight to advice or assurance remains the number one temptation for, well, just about everyone.