How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

mindfulness leads us to let go of ego by letting go of fear and grasping, it is an apt tool for healthy relating. It makes us present to others purely, without the buffers of the neurotic ego. We simply stay with someone as he is, noticing not judging. We take what a partner does as information without having to censure or blame. In doing this, we

But not everyone has the benefit of such a childhood. Some parents set rigid strictures on eating, sleeping, clothing, and grooming, all to suit their own needs or standards, rationalizing that such strictures are crucial to a child’s health.

Finally, keep in mind that it is always acceptable not to know what something is or means.

Paying attention and letting go are the twin tools that will be presented throughout these pages.

As adults we look for the partner who will be just right. At first that means a replica of our parents with some of the better—or missing—features added. So we find the man who controls but is also loyal. As we mature we no longer seek the negative traits, only the positive ones. So we no longer look for controlling men but for loyal men who let us

Attunement is mirrored attentiveness from one person to another. Attentiveness means noticing and hearing words, feelings, and experience. In a moment of authentic attention, we feel that we are deeply and truly understood in what we say or do and in who we are, with nothing left out. Likewise, we can attune to others’ feelings, needs, bodily react

It is true that unmet needs for the five A’s in childhood cannot be made up for later in life, in the sense that they cannot be fulfilled so absolutely, so immediately, or so unfailingly. That absolute, immediate fulfillment of needs by one person is appropriate only to infants. But needs can be fulfilled, in short or long installments, throughout

the five A’s come to us as gifts in childhood. They are then bestowed by us as gifts to others. They are not the result of effort but are the automatic overflow of love we receive.

Here are the five fundamental mindsets of ego that interrupt our ability to be here now and that distort reality: Fear of or worry about situation or of this person: “I perceive a threat in you or am afraid you may not like me so I am on the defensive.” Desire that this moment or person will meet our demands or expectations, grant us our needed emo