Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Take a moment to articulate your own Adaptive Child’s losing strategy profile. Then try your hand at your partner’s. When you are in the right mood, this makes for a good parlor game. Share with each other what you think, then compare notes. How well did you get each other?

One therapist reports that when a couple is able to increase their attachment bond, it helps each partner self-regulate and resolves some of their individual problems. For those with a self-reliant style, the task is to wake up the attachment system, which can then function more normally, as nature intended it. Consider what you can do to cultivate

Okay, so let’s say you’re the one hearing feedback from your partner—now what? Yield. Don’t get defensive, or go tit for tat, or any of that Adaptive Child behavior. You, the listener, also need to be centered. You too need to remember love. What can you give this person to help them feel better? You can begin by offering the gift of your presence.

If we feel secure, like the infant in the strange situation test when her mother is present, the world is at our feet. We can take risks, be creative, and pursue our dreams. And if we lack that sense of security? If we are unsure whether the person closest to us, our romantic partner, truly believes in us and supports us and will be there for us in