new ways of responding to each other.

they told me that this fit for them. They told me they now understood their own unspoken longings

these demand-distance spirals are all about attachment panic

They turn the blame inward, on themselves.

Engagement: Do I know you will value me and stay close?

happens, he said, when we feel suddenly uncertain or vulnerable in the world or when we perceive a negative shift in our sense of connection to a loved one, when we sense a threat or danger to the relationship. The threats we sense can come from the outside world and from our own inner cosmos. They can be true or imaginary. It’s our perception that

When love doesn’t work, we hurt.

Partners sometimes can see glimpses of the Demon Dialogue they’re trapped in

This drive to emotionally attach — to find someone to whom we can turn and say “Hold me tight” — is wired into our genes and our bodies. It is as basic to life, health, and happiness as the drives for food, shelter, or sex. We need emotional attachments with a few irreplaceable others to be physically and mentally healthy — to survive.