Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children

In this anxious inheritance from my mother and my grandmother, I’ve both under- and overcorrected. Most of what I provide to my kids is nurturance, care and a soft lap before bed. I have excellent paid help to address many of their practical needs. I indulge them a lot. They participate in zero extracurriculars and do not have great table manners. ... See more

If our emotional needs were fulfilled by our parents, we emerge from childhood with a trust that others can give us what we need. We can then receive love from others without distress or compulsion. Our needs are moderate. We can trust someone to help fulfill our needs while we help fulfill hers. This provides a foundation for a life of compassion

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When we see that what is offered is given out of love rather than out of obligation, we feel deeply touched. (Children of emotionally absent mothers often feel that any caring from their mothers came out of obligation.) If we can take in this freely given love and care, eventually we will develop a healthy sense of entitlement, the sense that our n

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If we missed out on attention when we were children, we might have learned to attend to ourselves, to become more and more creative, to look for attention from adults other than our parents. In this way, a deficiency became something beneficial, the pothole that became the portal. Likewise, our ability to reach out as adults may be directly proport

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