Games and Rituals

And now that I had vowed to hang out with this man until I died, I also thought a lot about dying. It seemed I had not only married him but also married my eventual death. Before the vows, I might have lived alone, but forever; now I would definitely not be alone and I would definitely die. I had agreed to die, in front of all my family and friends

thought, and I meant in thinking I’d protected myself, believing myself safe from the wrong-spouse category by staying in the maybe-category when it now turns out a person can be done to death in the maybe-category as well.

By the time we make this decision, to hook ourselves to a person for the rest of our lives, we’re what? Twenty-five? Thirty? We’re babies. We don’t even know what we’re dealing with. How could we fathom what it would be like to be on our best behavior for that long? Or know what is funny or charming to us now but intolerable in the future? How will

I wasn’t available for marriage. Not to be her boyfriend. But to be something. I thought, how nice. We can do this. We can recognize we can never be together. But maybe we can carve out a space for this in our lives. We can go on secret dinners. We can maybe hold each other in the parking lot. Maybe kiss. Share sweet emails. Enjoy our emotional con