Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

As we know, one reason people argue about what happened is that the other person’s view threatens their identity.

In difficult conversations, too often we trade only conclusions back and forth, without stepping down to where most of the real action is: the information and interpretations that lead each of us to see the world as we do.

In fact, the gap between what you’re really thinking and what you’re saying is part of what makes a conversation difficult. You’re distracted by all that’s going on inside. You’re uncertain about what’s okay to share, and what’s better left unsaid. And you know that just saying what you’re thinking would probably not make the conversation any easie

When faced with negative information about ourselves, all-or-nothing thinking gives us only two choices for how to manage that information, both of which cause serious problems. Either we try to deny the information that is inconsistent with our self-image, or we do the opposite: we take in the information in a way that exaggerates its importance t

try to take a step back and remember why you are fighting. You are fighting for what is right and fair, not because you need the conflict to survive.

Her mistake is to assume she knows what Leo’s intentions are, when in fact she doesn’t. It’s an easy – and debilitating – mistake to make. And we do it all the time.

The easiest approach is first to talk about how to talk. Treat “the way things usually go when we try to have this conversation” as the problem, and describe it from the Third Story:

I think we each have different preferences and assumptions around that. It seems like that would be a good thing for us to talk about.

greatly increase your chances of getting your feelings into your conversations and into your relationships in ways that are healthy, meaningful, and satisfying: first, you need to sort out just what your feelings are; second, you need to negotiate with your feelings; and third, you need to share your actual feelings, not attributions or judgments a