Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

“I understand that you don’t think being put on probation is fair. Let’s talk about that. I want to hear your view and share mine. Before we do, I want to clarify, though, that I’m not negotiating this or deciding in collaboration with you. I’ve already made the decision. The purpose of talking is to figure out why we’ve had a disconnect on this, s

Use the power of influence. Let’s distinguish between two kinds of power: control and influence. Control is the unilateral ability to make something happen. Influence is the ability to affect someone else’s thinking. Within limits, your boss has the power of control.

We all on occasion attribute overly negative intentions. That’s our point in Chapter 3. But some people do it more often than most and with greater certainty (“I know it was an accusation!”). The self-fulfilling loops that result are crazy making and hard to break out of.

Whether you’re a CEO or a parent, we encourage you to make decisions as early and efficiently as possible, to explain those decisions clearly, and to take responsibility for their implementation and effectiveness. It is equally true that whether you are making a decision, implementing it, or problem solving, you can’t always, or even usually, succe

contribution, contribution without blame, and identity without perfection may be novel. It may take them a while to understand these ideas and get comfortable with them. Don’t give up too easily or be surprised if change comes haltingly over time. It is an all too common tragedy that, by the time someone starts to show a bit of openness to collabor

The phenomenon of an internal voice and the three conversations within it seems to be a universal and fundamental aspect of being human. What does differ across cultures is whether, when, and how the internal voice is expressed.

Now tell your boss what matters to you and why. It’s surprising how often people will tell us they’ve “tried everything” to influence their boss, yet when we ask, “Have you told your boss this is important to you?” they respond, “Well, I assume my boss must know.” They’ve never actually said, “This matters to me.” Being clear that something matters

Use questions when you want to learn and statements when you have something to convey. Ultimately it is the combination of assertiveness and inquiry that helps us pool our insights, learn things we didn’t know, and lay the foundation for creative and effective problem solving.

As we know, one reason people argue about what happened is that the other person’s view threatens their identity.