The first step to getting back to a healthy motive is to become aware of the one that’s possessing you.

Our stories contain not just conclusions but also judgments (whether something is good or bad) and attributions (interpretation of others’ motives).

Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding.

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add meaning to the shared pool

Stories Create Feelings

“What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?”

people rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe, or when they question why you’re saying the things you are. Specifically, they begin to speculate about either your respect (“Is this message a sign of disrespect?”), your intent (“Does this message tell me you have malicio

Unfortunately (and here’s where the problem becomes self-defeating), the more you snip and snap, the less your loved one wants to be around you. So he or she spends less time with you, you become even more upset, and the spiral continues. Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn’t want in the first place. You’re caught in an u

For instance, consider a typical Crucial Conversation. Someone says something you disagree with about a topic that matters a great deal to you, and your body registers the threat. Your body’s instinct is to prepare you for physical safety. Two tiny organs seated neatly atop your kidneys pump adrenaline into your bloodstream. Your brain diverts bloo