Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Third Edition

Engage. Examine what you were told. Look for truth rather than defensively poking holes in the feedback. If appropriate, reengage with the person who shared the feedback and acknowledge what you heard, what you accept, and what you commit to do.

Talk tentatively. State your story as a story—don’t disguise it as a fact. • Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.

Commit to seek Mutual Purpose. • Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. • Invent a Mutual Purpose. • Brainstorm new strategies.

people rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe, or when they question why you’re saying the things you are. Specifically, they begin to speculate about either your respect (“Is this message a sign of disrespect?”), your intent (“Does this message tell me you have malicio

It helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress.

“What do I really want?” “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?”

use Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what you do intend or mean.

The problem isn’t that we have problems. The problem is the lag time between when we know we have them and when we find a way to effectively confront, discuss, and resolve them. If you reduce this lag time, everything gets better.

Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore safety.