Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (Revised and Updated)

Acceptance doesn’t mean adaptation. It doesn’t mean resignation to the sorry and miserable way things are. It doesn’t mean accepting or tolerating any sort of abuse. It means, for the present moment, we acknowledge and accept our circumstances, including ourselves and the people in our lives, as we and they are. It is only from that state that we h

We can successfully turn almost every aspect of our lives into a goal/intention. If it bothers you, make it a goal.

American astronomer Charles Kowal identified the minor asteroid Chiron, which was finally big and bright enough to see. Chiron became known as the “wounded healer” planet, referring to the Greek god Chiron’s ability to heal everyone but himself. In 1951, Carl Jung had been the first to apply the term “wounded healer” to the way in which a healer’s

“Codependents are caretakers—rescuers. They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized. Study the Karpman Drama Triangle,”

Detachment involves living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day. We live freely.

“I don’t trust people who never get mad. People either get mad or get even,”

saying, “If you loved me you wouldn’t drink” to someone struggling with alcoholism makes as much sense as saying, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t cough” to someone with pneumonia. A person with pneumonia will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. A person struggling with alcoholism will drink until they get the same.

Caretaking is closely associated with martyrdom (a state codependents are frequently accused of being in), and people pleasing (another accusation hurled at us). Martyrs, according to Earnie Larsen, “screw things up.” We need to keep sacrificing our happiness as well as others’ for the good of some unknown cause that doesn’t demand sacrifice.

Sex is a way to express the love that already exists.