Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (Revised and Updated)

Caretaking is closely associated with martyrdom (a state codependents are frequently accused of being in), and people pleasing (another accusation hurled at us). Martyrs, according to Earnie Larsen, “screw things up.” We need to keep sacrificing our happiness as well as others’ for the good of some unknown cause that doesn’t demand sacrifice.

In love and dignity, speak the truth—as we think, feel, and know it—and it shall set us free.

Sometimes, we prefer to stay angry. It helps us feel less vulnerable and more powerful. It’s a protective shield. If we’re angry, we won’t feel hurt or scared, at least not noticeably so.

Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It’s an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change. It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources.

The dreams were there. Many of us held on for so long, clutching those dreams through one loss and disappointment after another. We flew in the face of reality, shaking these dreams at the truth, refusing to believe or accept anything less. But one day the truth caught up to us and refused to be put off any longer. This wasn’t what we wanted, plann

Acceptance doesn’t mean adaptation. It doesn’t mean resignation to the sorry and miserable way things are. It doesn’t mean accepting or tolerating any sort of abuse. It means, for the present moment, we acknowledge and accept our circumstances, including ourselves and the people in our lives, as we and they are. It is only from that state that we h

Don’t ever abandon your soul and self-love for any relationship or job. Bring your beautiful self to each thing you do and each human and creature you interact with. When we do this, we create a beautiful life.

Rescuing and caretaking are synonymous. Their definitions are closely connected to enabling. Enabling is therapeutic jargon that means a destructive form of helping. Any acts that help a substance abuser continue abusing, prevent the abuser from suffering consequences, or in any way make it easier for a substance abuser to continue abusing are cons

saying, “If you loved me you wouldn’t drink” to someone struggling with alcoholism makes as much sense as saying, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t cough” to someone with pneumonia. A person with pneumonia will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. A person struggling with alcoholism will drink until they get the same.