Sublime

My family were surprisingly upset by the news. It turned out that, in my mum’s eyes, a skint comedian who she didn’t like was a better prospect for a nearly thirty-five-year-old woman than no boyfriend at all.

A Little Princess (greatest vindication story ever), The Golden Compass (greatest animal character ever), and Little Women

‘Okay, well, do you know who’s going to be the talk of the mum WhatsApp groups tonight? Do you know who’s going to get slagged off for being a plastic sugar parent?’ she asks, faintly demonically, as she opens a pack of the party bag sweets and starts chomping at them. ‘It ain’t you, Avi. It never is.’

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I’m a balding, failed comedian with no savings who lodges with a seventy-eight-year-old tinned soup collector.