Beginning at birth, babies have powerful feelings and fears about the world in which they live. A big part of their parents’ job is to help them manage those feelings – to calm and make them feel safe, for example, or to soothe them when they hurt. If we grow up with caretakers who let us down, who don’t provide the emotional support we need, we wi

Babies who come from such families never develop that fundamental sense of trust and safety in their world; they may be plagued by anxiety about what might happen. And instead of developing the self-confidence that goes along with trust, they may instead feel a deep sense of shame.

Defense mechanisms operate in the here-and-now, with no thought for tomorrow. They’re unthinking and reflexive; they aim only to ward off pain this very moment and don’t take into account the long-term costs of doing so.

If you block out the awareness of your own needs, you’re unable to develop true intimacy.

Your habitual ways of interacting with the important people in your life tell us a great deal about the defense mechanisms you typically use.

If our needs aren’t met during infancy when we’re utterly vulnerable and helpless, if our parents make us feel unsafe in the world from early on, it will shape our ability to trust and depend upon other people for the rest of our lives.

According to the many psychodynamic theorists who have written about this, from Freud onward, the unconscious carries all the thoughts and feelings we either find too painful to bear, or which conflict with our morality and values and undermine our self-image. In other words, we don’t want to know about the contents of our unconscious.

3. Each of us needs to feel that we matter and have a place in the world; we need a sense of internal worth and to feel that the other people in our lives (our “pack”) value and respect us. When our early environment doesn’t instill us with this sense of individual worth and value, we’ll struggle with issues of shame and low self-esteem throughout our

People with parents who consistently let them down emotionally and who failed to provide what was needed rarely feel safe in their adult relationships.