What Great Parents Do: 75 Simple Strategies for Raising Kids Who Thrive

Instead of saying “but” when you respond to your child’s perspective or expression of feelings, try replacing it with the phrase “at the same time.” (Other good options are “and” or “also.”)

It often seems, especially in the heat of the moment, that our kids have “made” us angry and therefore it’s “their” fault. However, our feelings are based on a complex web of beliefs, expectations, genetics, experience, and habits, and these have more to do with who we are than what anyone else has done to us.

When we hide our feelings, we are also sending the message to kids that some feelings are so bad they have to be hidden. Hiding feelings also inhibits the development of self-awareness (see #18) and emotion regulation skills (see #32), since kids cannot learn to manage feelings they don’t know how to recognize.

Great parents coach their kids in how to feel their feelings and choose their actions, which is to say, how to respond instead of react.

At the same time, if at any point you observe your son behave toward his younger brother in a way that is unacceptable, then by all means set clear rules and boundaries. But until your child’s feelings turn into action, they are only feelings.

When we are aggressive with our kids, or give consequences that are too severe, that focuses kids’ attention on our inappropriate behavior or the unfairness of our response, distracting them from the real lesson we are trying to teach them.

They are your thoughts, and not necessarily the truth about the situation.

To learn, children need lots of opportunities to try, try, and try again

Instead, let him have his feelings, and try to be curious about them. “Honey, why do you feel that way?”