Okay, show me where you’re feeling stuck with this; let’s see if we can come up with some other ways of approaching this problem

Great parents coach their kids in how to feel their feelings and choose their actions, which is to say, how to respond instead of react.

Over time, this recurring invalidation may make it harder for kids to trust their own feelings.

Even though we may be in the throes of a strong emotion, such as anger, we always have the opportunity to pause and make a choice about how we want to respond to the situation. We don’t have to say what we are thinking or act on our feelings.

When we hide our feelings, we are also sending the message to kids that some feelings are so bad they have to be hidden. Hiding feelings also inhibits the development of self-awareness (see #18) and emotion regulation skills (see #32), since kids cannot learn to manage feelings they don’t know how to recognize.

Instead of saying “but” when you respond to your child’s perspective or expression of feelings, try replacing it with the phrase “at the same time.” (Other good options are “and” or “also.”)

However, consequences can only suppress behavior—they convey the message that the behavior in question is not okay, but that is only half of the story that kids need to hear. The other half to tell kids is the kind of behavior that is acceptable.

ONE OF THE keys to creating positive change in our lives is not just knowing what to do, but in actually doing what we know.

It often seems, especially in the heat of the moment, that our kids have “made” us angry and therefore it’s “their” fault. However, our feelings are based on a complex web of beliefs, expectations, genetics, experience, and habits, and these have more to do with who we are than what anyone else has done to us.