There’s an old saying in family therapy that most couples have the same fight over forty years. Why? Because the same parts of each of them are fighting the same caricatures of their partners. I call these caricatures each partner’s core negative image of the other.

inchoate

The next time emotional temperatures rise, ask yourself, “Which part of me am I in now?” The Adaptive Child is who we revert to when we are triggered. It is an immature ego state, frozen at about the age of the (violating and/or neglectful) injury.

So, here’s the first tip for working on your partner’s core negative image of you: the more you refute it, the more you’ll reinforce it. But the more you admit to the kernel of truth within your partner’s exaggeration, the greater the odds that the exaggeration will relax. Try it. Don’t defend yourself—yield. Yielding can work as a core negative im

“What I make up” is a phrase I ask my clients to use. What I make up is that you’re being sarcastic. What I make up is that under your anger, there’s hurt. We are not clairvoyant, and neither are we the authoritative voice of objective reality. Keep it subjective; keep it humble. “This was my experience, right or wrong. This is how I recollect it.

Take a moment to articulate your own Adaptive Child’s losing strategy profile. Then try your hand at your partner’s. When you are in the right mood, this makes for a good parlor game. Share with each other what you think, then compare notes. How well did you get each other?

One of the main chemicals in the brew is dopamine, the reward chemical and the same chemical cocaine releases to cause addiction. Another is norephedrine, an arousing chemical central to fight-or-flight vigilance, leading to an enlivening feeling akin to a runner’s high. Levels of testosterone and estrogen also increase, two hormones that create th

What stops offensive behavior is healthy guilt.

“If you walk out of here at the end of the session, and you say, ‘That was a stunning success,’ what would a great success look like?”