Take your partner’s side. This means expressing support even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable. Don’t back the opposition—this will make your spouse resentful or dejected.

unless your partner has specifically asked for help, don’t try to fix the problem, change how your partner feels, or rescue him or her.

What should I do if you feel too tired or too busy for sex, or are not in the mood?

The research shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh start-up, it will inevitably end on a negative note, even if there are a lot of attempts to “make nice” in between.

Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for two reasons. First, they signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other. Second, the physical sensations of feeling flooded—the increased heart rate, sweating, and so on—make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.

harsh start-up simply dooms you to failure. So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over.

Since marital confrontation that activates vigilance takes a greater physical toll on the male, it’s no surprise that men are more likely than women to attempt to avoid it.

In fact, 84 percent of the newlyweds who were high on the four horsemen but repaired effectively were in stable, happy marriages six years later.

A powerful way to do this is to repeat back what your partner says, in your own words.