The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

During a typical conversation between two people, the listener gives plenty of cues to the speaker that he’s paying attention. He may use eye contact, nod his head, and say something like “Yeah” or “Uh-huh.” But a stonewaller doesn’t give this sort of casual feedback. He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound. He sits like an impassive

The advice I used to give couples earlier in my career was pretty much what you’d hear from virtually any marital therapist at the time—nothing but the same old pointers about conflict resolution and communication skills. But after looking squarely at my own data, I had to face the harsh facts: getting couples to disagree more “nicely” might reduce

Some people leave a marriage literally, by divorcing. Others do so by staying together but leading parallel lives. Whatever the route, there are four final stages that signal the death knell of a relationship. 1. The couple see their marital problems as severe. 2. Talking things over seems useless. Partners try to solve problems on their own. 3. Th

As partners increasingly come to know and bond with each other, they build what I call their Sound Relationship House. The Seven Principles comprise the Sound Relationship House’s many floors or levels. These principles are intricately connected to trust and commitment, which form the house’s protective, weight-bearing walls.

Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages. Research has found only the weakest connection between run-of-the-mill neuroses and failing at love. The reason: We all have issues we’re not totally rational about. We call these triggers “enduring vulnerabilities,” a term we borrowed from Tom Bradbury of UCLA. They don’t necessarily interfere with

subjects who were satisfied with their marriage had more effective natural killer cells than did the others.

repair attempt. This term refers to any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. Repair attempts are a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples—even though many of these couples aren’t aware that they are employing something so powerful. When a couple have a strong friendship, they natu

In unhappy marriages, a feedback loop develops between the four horsemen and the failure of repair attempts. The more contemptuous and defensive the couple are with each other, the more flooding occurs, and the harder it is to hear and respond to a repair. And since the repair is not heard, the contempt and defensiveness just get heightened, making

When a pounding heart and all the other physical stress reactions happen in the midst of a discussion with your mate, the consequences are disastrous. Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it’s harder to pay attention to what your partner is saying. Creative problem solving and your sense of humor go out the window. You’re left wi