The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love

It’s a very good idea for everyone to learn to live single—to figure out how to get your needs met without being partnered so you don’t find yourself seeking a partner to fill needs that you could equally well fill yourself. You might also consider experimenting with some relationships unlike those you’ve tried in the past—instead of looking for yo

What you are not responsible for is your lover’s emotions. You can choose to be supportive—we’re great believers in the healing power of listening—but it is not your job to fix anything. Once you understand that your lover’s emotions are not your job or your fault, you can listen and really hear without falling victim to an overwhelming need to fig

And then there’s the very, very important limit of, “I don’t want to,” even if it’s your anniversary, even if you’re supposed to want to, even if you haven’t for a long time. No excuses are needed.

My lover is ready to talk now. She is seriously pissed. She resents me for every miserable terrified thought she has had today, she is furious that I would subject her to the unprotected experience of her own feelings, and that’s not what she said, that’s my interpretation.

You will feel much better about how you look, how you perform, and who you are when you have a chance to see real people having real sex.

SEX DISINFORMATION

First you may need to vent some anger, which will include finding a safe and constructive way to experience it and release some of it. You’ll probably need to make agreements ahead of time about how to do this: Not at your partner? Not in front of the kids? Not behind the wheel? Not after getting high or drinking? Where is it safe for everybody for

GOAL ORIENTATION

When you find yourself responding to someone else’s behavior, it can be easy to dwell on what that person has done and how terrible it is and what exactly they should do to fix it. Instead, try looking at your own feelings as a message about your internal state of being, and then decide how you want to deal with whatever’s going on. Do you want to