Maybe you’re scared if you admit that, at times, your irritation with your child gets the upper hand, thinking it will intensify those angry feelings or somehow make them more real. But, in fact, naming our inconvenient feelings to ourselves and finding an alternative narrative for them—one where we don’t hold our children responsible—means we won’

Acknowledge your feelings and consider the other person’s feelings. That means not making yourself “right” and the other person “wrong,” not making yourself “clever” and the other person “stupid.” Nothing wears a relationship or a family down more than if the people within it insist on being the person who is right.

do we bring our appreciation to the people close to us or do we dump our anger onto them? These familial relationships are influential in determining how a child’s personality and mental health develop. Children are individuals, but they are part of a whole system too.

only by allowing our vulnerability, being open about who we are, that we can have close relationships.

It is also important to know that just because you did not intend that your actions should cause a family member to be upset or irritated, it does not mean that those actions did not upset them. When someone feels bad in response to something we may have said or done, even unintentionally, it is important to listen and to validate how

Relationships are precious, and turning toward bids is a major part of relationship maintenance.

they feel rather than become defensive. We need to remember that we all experience the same things differently. No one is wrong because their experience is different from what ours would be. Such differences need to be respected rather than causing you to get into arguments as to who is having the “right” experience.

If you are a repressor, your natural inclination is to push away strong feelings and say “Shush” when you are confronted with them, or “Don’t make a fuss, nothing’s the matter,” or “Be brave.” If you dismiss a child’s feeling as unimportant, they are less liable to share any subsequent feeling with you,

can see the point of all the attention I give to Toby now; it’s to make him feel good, not just now but in the future. Toni and I are filling him up with love and, hopefully, that will mean he has love to give when he’s older, so he will feel valuable. I have no relationship with my own father. I know Toby is getting from me what I didn’t get from