The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)

they feel rather than become defensive. We need to remember that we all experience the same things differently. No one is wrong because their experience is different from what ours would be. Such differences need to be respected rather than causing you to get into arguments as to who is having the “right” experience.

you treat your child’s sadness, anger, and fears not as negatives to be corrected but as opportunities to learn more about them and to connect with them, you will deepen your bond with them. Then, there is every likelihood you will increase their capacity for happiness.

The more you feel stressed and threatened in the company of your partner, the more likely you are to act in a hostile or cold manner toward them. The more your relationship is based on getting one up on them, on winning or losing, on being right, the more likely you are to feel hostility rather than goodwill toward your partner.

what fosters goodwill? There seem to be two main ways to do it: (1) responding to bids for connection or attention, and (2) finding solace in each other rather than seeing the other, or others, in the family as adversaries.

speak in I-statements and not you-statements. Don’t react; reflect. You don’t always have to reflect before reacting—I’m not advocating that you lose all spontaneity—but if you feel annoyed or angry, I think it is a good idea to pause and understand why.

only by allowing our vulnerability, being open about who we are, that we can have close relationships.

These small, day-to-day interactions generate goodwill and reciprocal treatment, and without them our relationships cannot be sustained. So this is the key to a successful partnership: be responsive and interested.

To his surprise, he told me, he found himself crying and shouting in the therapist’s room about his own father leaving him. Therapy helped me put the feelings where they needed to be—with the desertion of my dad, rather than thinking I just wasn’t cut out to be in this relationship or to be a parent.

Relationships are precious, and turning toward bids is a major part of relationship maintenance.