The Anatomy of Peace, Fourth Edition: Resolving the Heart of Conflict

“I betrayed myself, and my whole world changed. It changed because I had chosen a different way of being in the world—a way that needed justification. Because I needed justification, I began to see everything in a self-justifying way. Others, myself, the world, my past, my present, my future, my hardships, my responsibilities, my view of everything

Without a relationship, we shouldn’t expect that others would share their experience or their views about how we may need to improve and how our organizations might need to change. And even more foundational is the relationship we have with others who influence the person or group of people we want to learn from.

For this reason, to overcome the challenging societal and organizational issues we face today, organizations must first help people change their way of being—the way they see and regard others. No behavioral prescription can overcome the deeper underlying mindset that drives behavior.

Once we have assessed our awareness of the real issues that need correction, we can begin the important work of listening and learning.

Unfortunately, most of these efforts to change biased, discriminatory behaviors focus on changing behavior alone. Despite good intentions, these efforts are doomed to fail. Why? The reason is embedded in the following question: are bias, discrimination, inequity, and a lack of diversity and inclusion behavior problems or way-of-being problems?

“Then when I feel stuck in the box and desire to get out, I can find an out-of-the-box place—

that sign is a subset of a whole category of signs that you might think of as exaggerations. When our hearts are at war, we tend to exaggerate others’ faults; that’s what we call horribilizing.

The pyramid reminds parents of the same thing—that they must build relationships with those who have influence with their children, beginning with their spouse. Or former spouse, for that matter.”

Am I as vigilant in demanding that others be aware of their impact on me as I am in demanding that I stay aware of my impact on them?”