Self-Therapy : A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness Using IFS, A Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 3rd Edition

Exiles are young child parts who are in pain from the past. While protectors try to keep us from feeling pain, exiles are the parts in pain. They are the ones the protectors are trying to protect us from.

Protection from External Harm. Some protectors try to keep an exile from being harmed by other people, like the enraged protector mentioned above that wants to prevent the exile from being controlled. These protectors see the exile as vulnerable and unable to protect itself.

The human psyche is organized around avoiding pain. That is the job of the protectors—to buffer you from suffering.

What are you feeling toward the part?

The most potent question to ask here is: “What are you afraid you would feel if you didn’t (perform your role)?”

Here are the most basic and useful questions to ask a protector with examples of the protector’s answers in italics. • What do you hope to accomplish by playing this role? I want to make sure you only open up to people who are safe. • What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this? I’m afraid you would be betrayed. • What emotions are you a

Then ask if it would be willing to step aside so you can get to know the target part from an open place. You can reassure it that you’re not banishing it—just asking it to give you a little room. Alternatively, you can ask it to relax, step back, stand down, separate from you, go into a waiting room, or any other phrasing that seems right. Or you c

The most potent question to ask here is: “What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t (perform your role)?”

Full transformation requires direct experience of a part and a trusting relationship with it, something we will see clearly as the book unfolds.