Some children—those who are really hurting badly—spend most of their time feeling isolated and powerless, and little or no time playing freely. But even the healthiest, best-loved children will retreat into these two fortresses when they feel scared, overwhelmed, or abandoned.

It took me way too long to figure out that nagging wasn't ever going to help. Finally, out of desperation more than cleverness, I picked up two of her dolls and I made one of them say (in a nasty voice), “Oh, she can't get dressed by herself; she doesn't know how to get dressed by herself.” Then I made the other one say (in a cheerfully encouraging

She comes home, and what game does she want to play? Doctor, of course. And who does she want to be? The doctor or nurse, the giver of the shot—definitely not the patient. And who does she want to give it to? Well, her first choice is a parent or another adult. If no one is available, she might use a stuffed animal or doll. And how does she want th

Sometimes, of course, the child does not need a playful approach; he just needs a lap to crawl into so he can cry about how much the shot hurt.

If chimpanzees and five-year-olds do it, then I think we can agree that using play to reconnect is a pretty basic idea. But sometimes children do not connect or reconnect so easily. They may feel so isolated that they retreat into a corner, or come out aggressively with both arms swinging. They may be annoying, obnoxious, or downright infuriating a

Just as Playful Parenting provides the key for helping children unlock the tower of isolation, engaging playfully with children also helps them build the confidence it takes to step out of the tower of powerlessness.

older children define play as whatever you do with your friends. However, toddlers and preschoolers define play as doing whatever you choose.

Play is also a way to be close and, even more important, a way to reconnect after closeness has been severed. Chimpanzees like to tickle one another's palms, especially after they have had a fight. Thus, the second purpose of play serves our incredible—almost bottomless—need for attachment and affection and closeness. The third purpose of play for

A shot at the doctor's office or a spanking from Mom or Dad are only two of the thousands of childhood injuries and insults that need emotional healing. None of us gets all of our needs perfectly met; none of us escapes childhood without insult or injury. And that's not all. Besides the big traumas and little upsets, children also need to process t