occasionally mess means I’m struggling with depression or stress. But those aren’t moral failings either—and neither is that moldy coffee cup I keep not taking to the kitchen.

“Just clean as you go” sounds nice and efficient, but most people don’t appreciate the hundreds of skills it takes to operate that way and the thousands of barriers that can interfere with execution.

If you tend to avoid care tasks because they are boring, choose something you can enjoy during the task: a Netflix show, a podcast, an audiobook, et cetera.

I’ve learned that I do well with daily and weekly rhythms. So I started doing laundry every Monday even when there were still clean clothes left, washing the sheets every Thursday even if they weren’t “too dirty,” and running my dishwasher every night even if it wasn’t full.

This is not a journey of worthiness but a journey of care. A journey of learning how we can care for ourselves when we feel like we are drowning.

What is one thing you could do for yourself today that would be truly enjoyable for tomorrow you?

Think of four to six tasks that, if they were done every week, would make that space very livable.

No one just walks out the door to go to whatever assuming the other will watch the kids. Instead, we game plan what we need or would like to get done that weekend by way of both obligation and fun. It’s not about getting permission; it’s about giving respect.

Free time does not automatically belong to one parent at the expense of the other.