• The art in assertiveness is to ask strongly for what you want and then to let go of it if the answer is No. You tread the fine line between consistent perseverance and the stubborn persistence that can feel to others like abuse. Passive people do not ask for what they want. Aggressive people demand (openly) or manipulate (secretly) to get what th

We then designed a False Self that met with our parents’ approval and maintained our role in the family. We felt that safety was possible only within those boundaries. Such “boundaries” became the long-standing habits and patterns that have been our limitations ever since. They were choices that had an origin in wisdom but now may no longer be serv

When you are attached to staying in control, you are betraying the part of yourself that is fearless.

Showing anger in our childhood may have meant no longer being loved or approved and now we are acting as if that were still true. Processing such archaic equations may lead to the liberating realization that anger and love coexist in authentic intimacy. Anger, like any true feeling, cannot affect, mar, or cancel real love.

Every adult relationship requires conflict before true commitment can happen. Each struggle helps you discard yet another illusory ideal about the other person, yet another illusory title to have your expectations met. Every conflict clears away the sham in favor of a fuller revelation of this real person who has not met my every need or measured u

Appropriate fear leads to a flight or fight response which is activated and dealt with, and is followed by repose. This fear is necessary since it signals a danger we need to avoid or eliminate.

It is often said that anger is a “secondary feeling,” one that masks another feeling, such as sadness or fear. Notice that anger, like all feelings, coexists with other feelings. It never masks them. Drama does that. Where else would masks fit so well?

A psychologically and spiritually conscious person acts from a consistent—though always evolving—sense of values. To value is to esteem the worth of something, to declare that it has meaning for us.

The center of our conscious life is called ego. It has two concurrent characteristics: It is functional in that it is the strong grounded activating principle by which we make intellectual assessments and judgments, show feelings appropriately, and relate skillfully to other people. It can also be neurotic when it becomes attached, addicted, dualis