Holding Space: On Loving, Dying, and Letting Go

Death itself isn’t inherently a taboo subject. So why are our cultural attitudes toward death and dying fraught with dysfunction and fear?

Making sense of the devastation of pregnancy loss or infant death is often a lifelong process. It takes time to integrate this tremendous pain and make room for narratives of loss, as hearts are torn asunder.

Once we come home to our whole selves, then we can hold space for the fullness of others—for we all contain within us the seeds for mindful as well as harmful action. The question is: Which seeds will we nurture?

Buddhist philosophy advises adherents to steer clear of “the five hindrances” that delay the healing of our hungry ghosts. These hindrances are: ill will (including hostility and resentment), dullness or depression, worry, doubt, and the seeking of permanent satisfaction in fleeting, sensual pleasure.

Tacit knowledge is book knowledge, information we can memorize. It consists of information we can pass along in a lecture. It’s the facts and figures that constitute the intellectual retention of data. Contrast this with implicit knowledge, with wisdom. Tacit knowledge can be taught, yet it’s not possible to teach someone to be wise. Insights dawn

Holding space is the wise and appropriate response to such hauntings. And to hold space well requires a willingness to accept and integrate our own anger, regret, and sorrow. It obliges us to honestly apologize when our actions cause harm, and to fearlessly own the darkest corners of our life’s stories. In doing so, we gain the capacity to be prese

Institute for the Study of Birth, Breath, and Death

As we companion, as we hold space, we can staunchly safeguard the interests of those suffering, creating a safe container within which deeper emotions and reflections may surface.

Through narrative therapy, we can integrate painful events into our life story and assign meaning to them, or at least we can come to more clearly assess their impact.