Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children

Those of us who were parented in ways that are not supportive to us now can rebuild our own internal structures as we parent our children. We can grow up again at any age. You can use the Structure Chart to help you do that.

This includes implementing nurture and structure so well that the child, over time, learns to trust the adult not only to be present, but also to be competent.

Some children are taught with super-rigid rules, with punishment unrelated to the deed, or with threats of abandonment or actual abandonment.

providing environments and activities that feed souls rather than bleed them.

And we believe that families are the primary places where children learn how to be adults.

In order to decide which rules are to be negotiable and which are to be nonnegotiable, parents need to be clear and straight about their own values and about what is safe and what is unsafe, what is helpful and what is not helpful.

When loving and consistent boundaries are set for them, children learn gradually to set their own boundaries, to value themselves. They build their self-esteem. They get stimulation and recognition in safe ways.

Like nurture, structure is built from many, many small experiences. We started building it in the family we grew up in, and we continue to build it bit by bit all our lives. People with well-developed structure define their sense of self from within and have strong character.

When we take humiliating messages into ourselves and let them define our being, shame's nagging voice pushes us to hide or lash out. This kind of shame can immobilize us completely and cause us to avoid growth. When we feel ashamed, we feel alienated from others. Our other feelings—guilt, joy, anger, fear, and sadness—can be shared in ways that hel