Exhausted Wives, Bewildered Husbands: Why your marriage is hurting, and how to blossom as a couple

The detached person inflicts wounds on their closest loved ones precisely because they are so obsessively in love with them and can’t tolerate the thought of losing them. They also can’t stand the thought of getting too close and having their loved ones see the ugly secret thing deep down inside which will cause the relationship to end.

And if the detached person lets the other person focus on their own needs too openly, they believe the partner will stop and say, “Wait a minute, you can’t meet my needs. We’re done here!” Or, the person will share their needs and give the detached person a chance, whereupon the detached person will of course fail to uphold the expectations. If

Craig: “Erin, I need us to be intimate at least once or twice a week so I feel connected to you. What will it take for you to be open to that?” Erin: “I push you away because it feels like you only want me for sex. If you take me out on a date once a week, I’d feel more connected to you. Then I’d be happy to have sex with you!”

When I think of having a perfect day, what activities do I see myself doing? How much quality time in a week do I require with my partner to feel close and connected? How much alone time in a week do I require by myself to feel calm and centered?

Even if she doesn’t realize exactly what’s wrong, the exhausted wife knows that her detached husband’s need for approval is the driving force behind his attempts to change his behavior. By asking for time limits he is accidentally warning her that his approval-seeking continues and he is not serious about change because the only pressure to change

but studies seem to indicate that attachment develops in infants under 6 months old and continues developing throughout childhood.

This back-and-forth trying to connect without ever trying together and coordinating their efforts through explicit communication has led Craig and Erin to each conclude they are the only partner trying in their marriage.

“You haven’t changed at all!” Then the following conversation plays out: “I just want us to move past this. How long is it going to take for you to forgive me?” “You hurt me for years, Alan, I can’t just let everything go and open up to you.” “Just tell me how long, Sara. I need a time limit.” I cringe when I hear the “time limit” request because t

The phrase I hear from exhausted wives time and again is, “after what you’ve put me through.” This is usually said as part of a larger sentence such as, “How can I just drop everything and trust you now, after what you’ve put me through?”