Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Finding the feelings that are lurking around and under angry attributions and judgments is a key step in bringing feelings into a conversation effectively.

The best thing you can do for the conversation is to listen from a stance of real curiosity, to ask questions, and to pay special attention to the feelings behind the words.

Ask Questions About the Three Conversations

she limits herself to listening, asking questions, and acknowledging her mother’s feelings:

A good rule to follow is: If you’re going to talk, talk. Really talk. And if you’re really going to talk, you can’t do it on the fly. You have to plan a time to talk. You have to be explicit about wanting ten minutes or an hour to discuss something that is important to you. You can’t have a real conversation in thirty seconds, and anything less tha

Making a specific request for how the other person can change their contribution in the service of helping you change yours can be a powerful way of helping them understand what they are doing to create and perpetuate the problem.

Blame Is About Judging, and Looks Backward

We Trigger Their Identity Conversation from the Start Our story invariably (though often unintentionally) communicates a judgment about them—the kind of person they are—and the fact that inside our version of the events, they are the problem.

1. Frame Feelings Back into the Problem