Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.

What we, as codependents, need to learn to do is fulfill these desires, needs, and wants in ways that don’t hurt ourselves or other people, in ways that allow maximum enjoyment of life.

women were taught that good, desirable wives and mothers were caretakers. Caretaking was expected and required of them. It was their duty. Some men believe good husbands and fathers are caretakers—superheroes responsible for meeting every need of each family member.

“Did you hear about the woman who kissed a frog? She was hoping it would turn into a prince. It didn’t. She turned into a frog, too.” Many codependents like to kiss frogs. We see so much good in them. Some of us even become chronically attracted to frogs after kissing enough of them.

“Sounds like you’re having a problem. What do you need from me?” Learn to say, “I’m sorry you’re having that problem.” Then, let it go. We don’t have to fix it.

they do whatever is asked of them; they please people; and they try to do their work perfectly—at least for a while, until they become angry and resentful.

because when we were children, someone very important to us was unable to give us the love, approval, and emotional security we needed.

We need to invite emotions into our lives. Then make a commitment to take gentle, loving care of them. Feel our feelings. Trust our feelings and trust ourselves. We are wiser than we think.

To honor the self is to be committed to our right to exist which proceeds from the knowledge that our life does not belong to others and that we are not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations. To many people, this is a terrifying responsibility.