Both/And: A Memoir

Even with three daughters, my parents never prioritized saving money for weddings, as our friends’ moms had done for years, but there would always be money for education.

She was also doing what women do a lot: being self-effacing, both because she believed it was her job to serve others and because it had the side benefit of mitigating her potential threat as a powerful, ambitious woman.

The grab bag of my identity served me well in Abuja. This had always been the case, ever since childhood, except for one critical aspect of my background, the weight of which I would not appreciate until I was older: being of both Indian and Pakistani heritage.

Before me, there came generations of public servants, orators, healers, educators. Their motivations, actions, and choices created the moment I would step into. They blazed trails which allowed me to walk right on past the barriers they had faced and build a life of my choosing.

There were so many moments I was plagued with guilt, but I was also tugged in the other direction by the value of the work I was doing. To be a mother fighting for the kind of world I wanted my son to grow up in was just as important as being a mother who was there to tuck him in every night. Wasn’t it?

As we flew out, low over the city, I was reminded how important it is to talk to a range of people on these foreign trips. They revealed far more than we could learn sitting in government complexes, talking to leaders determined to impress us with how well they were handling things.

“It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.”

That fork in the road, a quarter of a century ago, when I left a family wedding to embark on the great unknown, turned into the most unexpected journey, the next step in a path my mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother had cleared for me. It took me to a place that was worth every ounce of effort, commitment, and sacrifice required to get there

My father was curiosity itself. Whether with a bellman or a prince, he would strike up unexpected conversations. Sometimes, he would hear someone’s accent and tell them he had traveled to their country and had written about it and wanted to hear their story.