Bossypants

ready; it goes on because it’s 11:30.”

You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go. You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.

It’s not vanity, because if you look weird, it will distract from what you’re trying to do. If you look as good as you can, people will be able to pay attention to what you’re actually saying.

To make you feel that you are in competition with one another. “You’re up for a promotion. If they go with a woman, it’ll be between you and Barbara.” Don’t be fooled. You’re not in competition with other women. You’re in competition with everyone.

perfectly fine pastime. Everyone should try it once, like a super-short haircut or dating a white guy.

It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.

Being skinny for a while (provided you actually eat food and don’t take pills or smoke to get there) is a

To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

“The show doesn’t go on because it’s